No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
