my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
