Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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