my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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