he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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