I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
