tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
