Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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