Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
