I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
