is your mom at the bar?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
