Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
