remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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