there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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