If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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