Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
