got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
