Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
