She just used a chaser for red wine.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
