Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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