Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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