Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
