So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
