I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
