If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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