Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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