ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
