Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
