I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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