My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
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