Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
