this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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