oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
