theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
