I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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