Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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