i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
