Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
