It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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