Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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