i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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