Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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