I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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