Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
