if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
is this the sara with the beer cane?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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