Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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