It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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