$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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