someone threw a dead crab at me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize