We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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