My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
