textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
